For those visitors to the ByrdBrains website that like rules, but...don't like to read rules;
here you go, all 36 Rules for Bands - in the spoken word.
Click to listen
this is SO cool!
36 Rules For Bands...
Never start a trio with a married couple.
Your manager's not helping you. Fire him or her.
Before you sign a record deal, look up the word
"recoupable" in the dictionary.
No one cares who you've opened for.
A string section does not make your songs sound any more
"important".
If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players,
it's time to break up.
When you talk on stage you are never funny.
If you sound like another band, don't act like you're
unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do
rap-rock with political lyrics?")
Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small
talk. Don't do it!
Don't say your video's being played if it's only being
played on the
Austin Music Network.
When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best
contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3-record deal".
When you get dropped insist that it was the worst
contract ever and you asked to be let go.
Never name a song after your band.
Never name your band after a song.
When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to
perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer immediately.
Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do,
you're already a loser.
Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera",
"white rapper", blues jam", "swing band", "open mic", etc.
Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear
gloves; not both.
Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's
rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've got to stop coming to your shows.
It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
No one cares that you have a web site.
Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your
feet.
Don't hire a publicist.
Playing in San Marcos, Alpine, or San Juan Capistrano
doesn't mean you're on tour.
Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact,
don't join a cover band.
Although they come in different styles and colors,
electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between
songs?
Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up.
That's what boyfriends or girlfriends are for.
If you use a smoke machine, your music sucks.
We can tell the difference between a professionally
produced album cover and one you made with the iMac that your mom got for
Christmas.
Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so
many 16 year olds play them?
If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may
never know where or when it will show up.
Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
Rock oxymoron's; "major label interest", "demo deal",
"blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".
3 things that are never coming back: a) gongs, b)
headbands, and c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
